#59 - Mallory Hates Boys (And Gym)

Timeline
Nothing really mentioned, so we can assume fall of their 3rd 6th grade/8th grade year. Also they are playing volleyball in gym, so probably fall still?

Plot
Mallory hates gym. I think that's obvious from a previous book when she hurt herself on purpose to avoid participating in some Olympic themed day at school. But now it's time to play volleyball in gym, and volleyball is just THE WORST and anyone who likes to play is STUPID and TERRIBLE. Mallory completely sucks at it. The teacher yells at her for not trying (which she isn't), the kids on her team make fun of her and the kids on the other team see she is the weak spot and drills the ball at her every time. Mallory gets pissed and quits, even though it means she has detention. Then she gets the brilliant idea to bench herself every time, so she just keeps getting detention. She intercepts the mail before her parents can see the notices from the school. 

So not only does Mallory hate gym, but she hates boys. She gets this theory that bc boys in Stoneybrook have to take gym, they all turn into monsters. Her theory makes no sense, but it's basically bc she wants to have a reason to hate all boys except the Hobart's and Logan. So she decides every boy raised in Stoneybrook sucks because they grow up taking gym class. It literally makes no sense. And she's a psycho hose beast about it. 

She comes up with this brilliant plan to have the younger Hobart boys spend the night at her house, and the 4 Pike boys go to the Hobart's. She wants to prove to Ben that her brothers suck and his brothers are amazing. It completely backfires bc the Hobart boys are terrorist assholes and the Pike boys are angels. 

Her mom finally sees the detention notices and calls Mallory out, who cries. Then Mallory talks to her teacher who says she will talk to the boys and ask them to stop being assholes. Volleyball ends and the archery unit begins, which of course Mallory is all negative about. But then she ends up being good at it and makes the school archery team.

Takeaways
Um. Stoneybrook Middle School has an archery team?!

Mallory is seriously the most negative person. Why does she hate moving and exercise so much? She is going to be an overweight adult. 

I love that the Pike's were perfect gentlemen at the Hobart's house. It just proves that the Pike's house is a fucking free for all and they need to reign it in. Maybe if there were some rules, the kids wouldn't act like maniacs all the time. 

Seriously, I cannot get over what a fucking negative nelly Mallory is. Like I do not understand why the BSC members are friends with her. Jessi even says to her "for such a sensible person you are very illogical at times."

Best character
Ben. He waits for Mallory so he can walk her home after detention. He is nice to her even though she's seriously terrible during this whole book. 

Worst character
Obviously the title character, Mallory, is the fucking worst in this book. 

#58 - Stacey’s Choice

Timeline
It is AUTUMN! Which means they skipped the whole summer and we are now at the beginning of their third 8th grade/6th grade year.

Plot
Stacey is living the typical "child of a divorce" life. Her and her mom live in Stoneybrook and her dad lives in New York. Her mom is working part time and trying to find a full time job. Meanwhile, her dad calls her and asks her to come to New York in a few weeks because he just got named vice-president of his company and they are having a huge dinner and banquet. Stacey buys a new outfit and is so freaking excited for her weekend in New York. 

Then her mom faints at a job interview and gets rushed to the hospital. It ends up she has pneumonia and Stacey loses her GD mind. She skips school the next day to take care of her mom, and then she sets up an entire schedule so her mom is never alone for a minute. THEN she decides she can't go to New York, and she calls her dad and tells him to find another date. He gets very sad and his voice breaks and he tells her she is all he has. And she's like "well maybe if you weren't such a workaholic, you would have relationships." BITCH.

Stacey's mom is like chill, go to New York, so Stacey decides to go, but for less than 24 hours. She basically gets into town, goes to the dinner, calls her mom every ten minutes, then makes her dad leave the party early. Then makes him get up at 430am to take her to the train station. And is confused when he is annoyed.

When she gets back to Stoneybrook, she realizes that she completely fucked up her "mom schedule" and there were like three people scheduled at once. Then she realizes she's not so great after. She decides to plan a "best dad ever" dinner to make it up to her dad. 

Also, the side story in this book is that all the kids in Stoneybrook spend all their money buying cheap shit out of the back of magazines. Then they realize it's cheap shit and try to sell it to suckers in town. No one buys anything, but they basically pay them quarters and dimes to get off their doorstep. 

Takeaways
Stacey is ridiculous in this entire book. Like, I know her mom is sick, I get it. But seriously. Stacey spends like two entire weeks just sitting in her mom's room staring at her. 

Somehow, even though Mrs. McGill skips a second interview with some huge department store because she is sick, she gets the job. 

The most annoying thing about this entire book is that Stacey is THIRTEEN. Her dad could have been like no, fuck that, you are coming here for the entire weekend. Why was Stacey determining when a grown ass man has to leave his own party?

Best character
Mrs. Pike comes over all the time to take actual care of Mrs. McGill (because Stacey sucks at it) and then gets up at the asscrack of dawn to pick Stacey up at the train station when she insists on getting back at 6am.

Worst character
Stacey is insufferable throughout this entire book. Also, the picture below features my new Apple Watch. 

#57 - Dawn Saves the Planet

Timeline

Nothing is really mentioned so I’m just rolling with spring of their second 8th grade year. 

Plot

Dawn is taking a science class and they have an environmental/ecology section. They have a project due to just do something dealing with the environment. 

Okay, to put it bluntly, Dawn loses her goddamned mind. She goes way way overboard and starts lecturing everyone in the entire town about environmental issues. Her and Stacey work together on their project and decide to teach a bunch of neighborhood kids about the environment (I mean, of course their project had to do with kids). At the end of the class, they will do a “Green Fair” to show what the class did. 

Even though that’s the real project, Dawn decides to do another project where she puts together this huge proposal on why Stoneybrook Middle School should be the hub of recycling for the entire town. She has to submit the proposal to the school, where the student body votes if they want to do it and who should lead it. The students vote to do it, but they don’t vote for Dawn to run it because she’s been a giant c-u-next-Tuesday about the whole recycling bullshit. Dawn is hurt and basically does nothing after that. 

Her friends finally explode and tell her what a bitch she’s being. She realizes they are right and calms down. Her and Stacey finish their project and the Green Fair goes off perfectly. And after Dawn shows she is done being a psycho, she gets asked to co-manage the recycling project. 

Takeaways

I do not understand why the school had to vote on a town recycling center. It makes no sense. And since this class decided yes, every class for the rest of our lives has to run this recycling center?

I can’t even explain what a whore Dawn is about this environmental bullshit. Like she’s terrible. I would have stopped being her friend all together. 

When the Pike’s are being crazy while being babysat, they make everyone use real plates and real cloth napkins. But isn’t wasting water just as bad?

Best character

I don’t even know. Probably Stacey because, as Dawn’s partner for the project, she has to deal with her the most. 

Worst character

Fucking Dawn. 

#56 - Keep Out, Claudia!

So first of all, this book is my original from when I was a kid. It is beat to shit. Also, I had written my contact information in the front cover, and then my cousin Jamie decided she needed to write stuff, too. 

Timeline

Spring of their second 8th grade/6th grade year

Plot

There is a new family in town, the Lowell’s. They have three perfect children. MaryAnne babysits for them first and everything us fine. Claudia sits for them next and Mrs. Lowell is a bitch and the kids are jerks. Then Mrs. Lowell calls during the next meeting and says she wants anyone but Claudia to babysit. Claudia is hurt and tries to figure out what she did wrong. Jessi takes the next job and Mrs Lowell won’t even let her in the house. Kristy takes the next job and finally pieces it together that Mrs. Lowell is racist. The club goes back and forth on what to do about it, but then finally decide not to do anything bc they are kids and they just won’t babysit for her anymore. 

On the side, Claudia works with the Rodowsky’s to start up a neighborhood band. A ton of kids are involved (of course) and at first they are doing the songs from Annie, but then decide to do Fiddler on the Roof.  They have a concert and of course it goes off amazingly. 

Takeaways

The neighborhood kids, average age of like 8 (?) somehow know all the music and lyrics to Fiddler on the Roof? Okay. 

I honestly did feel really bad for Claudia when she didn’t realize she was being discriminated against. Jessi was just like meh, it happens. But Claudia was genuinely upset and hurt. 

I can’t over how adult these characters act for the age they supposedly are. 

Some people just fucking suck. 

Best character

I think Stacey. Everyone is talking about how they should teach Mrs. Lowell a lesson, and her kids a lesson, and the whole neighborhood a lesson and Stacey is the first one to be like um..... we’re 13. Slow your roll. We can’t actually do anything. 

Worst character

Duh. That evil, mean, racist bitch Mrs. Lowell. 

#55 - Jessi’s Gold Medal

Timeline 
It is a very, very hot late spring. Also, the Summer Olympics are right around the corner. So it's almost the end of their second 6th grade/8th grade years.

Plot
It is hot as balls in Stoneybrook, and Jessi gets the idea to ask her parents to put a pool in their yard. They are like awesome idea, but way too expensive...we'll join the community pool instead. Jessi is fucking pumped, and then she goes to her gym class the next day and they are told they get to take free swim lessons during class. Jessi is even more excited now, but of course Mallory is like "meh..boo...piss...I hate anything that involves movement". They have tests to see where they are with their swimming skills, and Jessi gets asked to be on the school synchronized swimming team, which somehow meets during school hours. She happily accepts and gets paired up with a fun girl names Elise. 

SMS is doing a Sports Festival type thing, and the synchro team is asked to not only perform, but also do a partner event as a competition. Everyone in the BSC gets involved; even MaryAnne works in the concession stand. But Mallory is a giant vagina about it, bitching and moaning and then she even goes as far as to "accidentally" fall down and sprain her ankle. Kristy and Alan Gray challenge each other to a obstacle course race; the loser having to be the winner's servant for a week. 

Jessi and Elise start practicing constantly, and when the day of the event comes they win the gold medal! Kristy also beats Alan.

The girls also organize a Summer Olympics type event for all the kids in the neighborhood, and Alan is there doing all the bitch work for Kristy.

Takeaways
During the whole book Jessi and Elise think they are the worst in their class, but really they were the best. I didn't know how that would be possible, but then as I thought about it...unless you had someone taping your routine, how would you ever know you were all matched up correctly? So I kind of get it.

I cannot even explain how terrible Mallory is in this book. She fucking falls down and sprains her ankle, WHILE baby-sitting with Claudia. So not only is she terrible for harming herself just to get out of this sports thing, but also she does it while she is supposed to be in charge of her siblings and Claudia gets stuck basically babysitting her too.

Best character
I would say MaryAnne. She hates the idea of this sports festival, but wants to be there for her friends so she volunteers in the concession stand so she can be a part of it.

Worst character
Obviously that piece of shit Mallory.

#54 - Mallory and the Dream Horse

Timeline
No timeline, but the weather is nice and nothing has been mentioned, so we can assume it is still spring, of their second 6th grade/8th grade year

Plot
Mallory and Jessi love horses. So much so that they lay around on Saturday afternoons talking about their dream horses. It's kind of weird and creepy. 

Mallory finds a flier for riding lessons, and her and Jessi both immediately freak out and plan to take them. Mallory convinces her parents by offering to pay for half, but Jessi's parents are a hard no and she can't convince them otherwise. So Mallory does it by herself. And holy fucking shit...she finds her dream horse. Pax is his name. And Mallory creepily brings his treats and like hugs him and makes out with him every class, even if she doesn't get to ride him. 

But the lessons aren't great. Her outfit is old and not professional and no one in her class wants to be her friend. She, like, creepily tries to make friends but it doesn't work. Mallory is just kind of creepy.  And she keeps calling Jessi to talk to her about it, but Jessi is annoyed that she's not taking the lessons so she basically quits talking to her, too. So Mallory is miserable. Then she falls off her horse, flat on her back and knocks the wind out of herself, so then not only is she miserable, but terrified of horses. She suffers through the rest of her class, and then learns the horrible fact that at the end of the session they have a horse show. 

She tries to keep it quiet, but somehow her parents and all her friends find out and attend. She gets to ride Pax, and she ends up getting sixth place! Her parents are so proud they offer to pay for all of the lessons from now on. But then Mal tells them how miserable she was, and they tell her the offer is on the table even if she wants to wait. Then Mal goes to make out with Pax and say goodbye to him.

While all of this is happening, her brothers and sisters are planning and executing a talent show in their backyard with the entire neighborhood. Oh, and Nina and Eleanor Marshall are babysat a lot in this book, and Nina is obsessed with her blanky. It's huge and she even takes it to school with her, and kids make fun of her. But then Dawn rips it while taking it out of the dryer and she shows Nina how she can hide it in her pocket. Problem solved.

Takeaways
Mallory, like, tries to force kids to be friends with her. She invites them over and gives them her phone number, but then no one calls her because they all go to the same school and they don't understand why this creepy, badly dressed girl is so desperate to be their friend. And to be honest, I don't get it either. Between babysitting, the BSC and her family, it's not like she has spare time. But I guess when you are young, you always want more friends. I am just old and my friend capacity is full. 

Jessi is also kind of a big baby about the whole thing. Like yeah, her parents told her no, but then she pretty much refuses to let Mallory talk about it at all. It's not Mallory's fault your parents said no, Jessi. Also why would a ballerina want to risk their body by riding on a horse?

The whole Nina/Blanky story line makes no sense. 1. This blanket has never been brought up, and they have been babysitting that family for awhile. 2. Why would her parents even allow her to take it to school?

The younger Pike kids arrange an entire neighborhood talent show. The oldest of the younger Pike kids is 9. 9 fucking years old. So a 9 year old, an 8 year old, a 7 year old and a 5 year old can arrange a community event and pull it off without a hitch? Right.

Best character
Dawn, for her quick thinking of shoving that stupid blanket scrap in Nina's pocket so she could hide her creepy obsession with a blanket.

Worst character
Mallory, for being a creep. 

#53 - Kristy for President

Timeline
No timeline is mentioned, so springtime of their 8th grade year. Which makes no sense, why are they holding elections when the school year is almost over?

Plot
It's election time for Stoneybrook Middle School, and Kristy decides, with some prodding from Stacey and Claudia, to run for 8th grade class president. Mallory also decides to run for 6th grade secretary. Jessi helps Mallory with her simple campaign, and all the other girls help Kristy, with Claudia acting as campaign manager. 

Kristy becomes very un-Kristy in this book. She forgets deadlines, starts running late, kind of half asses her way through life and starts neglecting the Krushers. She fails a science test not once, but twice. She then realizes she has taken on too much and drops out of the race. Everyone seems to understand. Mallory wins her election. 

Also, Jamie Newton is trying to learn how to ride a bike and is a serious crazy person about it. And he sucks at it.

Takeaways
Claudia comes up with the slogan "K+" for Kristy's campaign. I don't think that is that great.

Kristy's competition is Pete Black, Alan Gray and Grace something. If Alan and Grace are really the horrible students that the girls always say that they are, how do they have the GPA's to run in the first place. Kristy votes for Pete Black and he wins. 

During one of the campaign events, Grace has like a mini movie crew recording people. At the end, her and Kristy get into it and Kristy looks right into the camera and tells Grace to go off and be a loser. It's super mean. But Grace and Cokie are bitches, so I get it.

Jamie is a complete moron about his bicycle. So his parents like order it from somewhere and it gets delivered when  babysitter is there. So she puts it together and then they start walking up and down the driveway. Jamie cannot grasp it, but for some reason he asks his dad to remove the training wheels and his dad FUCKING does it! Why does he do that? What a terrible father. Jamie is like 4, I highly doubt he knows what is best for himself. Also, while every single babysitter spends all their time walking Jamie up and down the driveway, his little sister Lucy is just sitting in a playpen that entire time. Awesome.

Best character
I would have to say Claudia. She runs Kristy's campaign for her and does all the posters, pins, marketing materials, etc. And then Kristy drops out of the race and Claudia is just like meh, whatever is best for you. 

Worst character
Jamie Newton. He's a little brat.