#61 - Jessi and the Awful Secret

Timeline
Brr, it is so cold! It is winter of their third 6th grade/8th grade year.

Plot
Jessi's ballet school is doing a special class for underprivileged kids, and they ask for volunteers to help. Jessi doesn't babysit and hang with kids enough, so she volunteers. So does Mary, this older, not as talented as Jessi ballerina. The other three kids are older as well, so Jessi is super nervous about seeming immature and fitting in with them.

Jessi starts to notice that Mary is always complaining about being fat, even though she is rail thin. Mary's friend just agrees with her and tells her she will be a better dancer if she loses some weight. She starts wearing super baggy clothes. When the group of volunteers decide to start walking to Burger King after class, Mary orders a small amount of food and just moves it around her plate. It's weird. Jessi tells the BSC girls about it, and they decide she is anorexic. So then Jessi confronts Mary and Mary gets PISSED and tells her to mind her own. But then Mary starts passing out and falling down all the time and finally she knows Jessi is right, so she quits dance for awhile to get better.

Meanwhile, the kids dance class is awesome; they do a recital and of course it's amazing. Jessi asks the BSC for help trying to think of a way to get scholarships for some of the kids to continue, and Kristy's stepdad and mother decide to sponsor two scholarships.

The subplot of this book is that Shannon Kilbourne is suddenly free all the time and wants to hang out with Kristy, who doesn't have time. So the other BSC members start hanging out with her, and Kristy gets jealous. But then she realizes she's acting dumb and says she's sorry.

Takeaways
Kristy's weird jealousy thing with Shannon is super weird. Like...Kristy told the BSC Shannon is always asking her to hang out, but she can't. So the girls are like oh, we can hang out with her and Kristy is like that's fucking awesome. But then she gets mad when they actually do? Also, does Shannon not have any friends? How is it possible all of a sudden she wants to hang out with the BSC all the time?

Everything I knew about anorexia as a kid I learned from this book.

The group of volunteers walk to Burger King after class every week. Which again, is weird since they are all ballerinas and you wouldn't think they would be eating that kind of food.

Best Character
All the volunteers win this category. Apparently ballerinas are very competitive (I mean, I guess in all the ballerina movies I have seen - Black Swan and Center Stage - they are crazy psycho competitive), and these kids spend one of their two nights of classes helping out with this kid class. That is pretty nice.

Worst Character
I mean, Kristy is super stupid in this book. So she loses.

#60 - MaryAnne’s Makeover

Timeline
It is winter, just past New Years Day. So they skipped all the holidays. And it's now winter of their third 8th grade/6th grade year. They have the January Jamboree dance at school at the end of the book. 

Plot
Okay, I'm going to try really hard not to give any opinions until I get to the takeaway section. 

MaryAnne is looking through a magazine before a club meeting and sees a haircut she likes. She asks her friends for their opinions and they are like um no. It's not you. She is hurt but says nothing. 

She goes home and can't stop thinking about it, so she looks through some more magazines and finds an even better haircut. She works up the nerve to show her dad and he is surprisingly all for it, even saying he has always thought a short haircut would suit her. They plan on going to the mall on Saturday to get it done, and MA wants to keep it a secret until then. 

MA and her dad go to the mall and have a great day. She gets her haircut, then a makeover (where her dad buys her some of the makeup) and then they go clothes shopping. They get lunch and laugh and talk and are feeling all close. They stop and get dinner for everyone and go home to reveal the new MaryAnne. Sharon is very exited and supportive but Dawn is a HUGE FUCKING BITCH. Then, before MA can surprise the club members, Dawn tells them all and they are all HUGE FUCKING BITCHES. They are like "dude, we told you that haircut is not for you" and "meh, it'll grow out". Seriously, they are terrible. TERRIBLE. Meanwhile everyone else in the school is losing their shit over how great she looks, and Logan freaking loves it. So while her friends are being absolutely wretched whores to her, she gets to know other girls and spends a lot of time with Logan. She starts skipping club meetings because they are being so mean. They are being SO MEAN. SO MEAN!!

There is also a rumor going around that these two high school boys like MA now. It's a bit ridic. It's never explained who started it but I'm going to go with Kristy. She just seems immature enough to do it, and the boys are supposedly friends with her brothers. 

Finally she has had enough and confronts Dawn, who doesn't really apologize but says she was hurt MA kept a secret from her and went shopping with her dad instead of her. Then MA goes to a club meeting and they all make up too, even though the girls never really apologize or explain why they were such bitches. They all go to the January dance and everything is fine. 

The subplot is that Carolyn Arnold is making a time machine and she really thinks it is going to work and sets up appointments with all the neighborhood kids and charges them a $1 to use the machine. Then she's like "fuck, this isn't going to work" and she gives all the money back. 

Takeaways

I cannot, for the life of me, figure out why MA went back to these heinous bitches. They are TERRIBLE. Why does Stacey think she is the world's leading expert on beauty and fashion? Her "poofy" perm sounds fucking ugly as shit. And DAWN. DAWN IS A TERRIBLE PERSON.

MaryAnne mentions that the Arnold twins used to be required to dress alike and act alike, but then MA talked to their mom and convinced her to let them be their own person. Um, pretty sure Mallory did that. Nice job trying to take the credit, MA. 

While none of the girls are talking, MA starts talking to two other girls and she says that the BSC always thought the girls were snotty but really they are not. Then she says "maybe the BSC are the ones who are snotty" and TRUER WORDS HAVE NEVER BEEN SPOKEN. 

Best character
MaryAnne's dad. 

Worst character
It is a four way tie between Kristy, Dawn, Claudia and Stacey. Again, I cannot express how fucking horrible these girls are. The entire series should have ended right now, with MA dropping out of the club and then setting their houses on fire.

#59 - Mallory Hates Boys (And Gym)

Timeline
Nothing really mentioned, so we can assume fall of their 3rd 6th grade/8th grade year. Also they are playing volleyball in gym, so probably fall still?

Plot
Mallory hates gym. I think that's obvious from a previous book when she hurt herself on purpose to avoid participating in some Olympic themed day at school. But now it's time to play volleyball in gym, and volleyball is just THE WORST and anyone who likes to play is STUPID and TERRIBLE. Mallory completely sucks at it. The teacher yells at her for not trying (which she isn't), the kids on her team make fun of her and the kids on the other team see she is the weak spot and drills the ball at her every time. Mallory gets pissed and quits, even though it means she has detention. Then she gets the brilliant idea to bench herself every time, so she just keeps getting detention. She intercepts the mail before her parents can see the notices from the school. 

So not only does Mallory hate gym, but she hates boys. She gets this theory that bc boys in Stoneybrook have to take gym, they all turn into monsters. Her theory makes no sense, but it's basically bc she wants to have a reason to hate all boys except the Hobart's and Logan. So she decides every boy raised in Stoneybrook sucks because they grow up taking gym class. It literally makes no sense. And she's a psycho hose beast about it. 

She comes up with this brilliant plan to have the younger Hobart boys spend the night at her house, and the 4 Pike boys go to the Hobart's. She wants to prove to Ben that her brothers suck and his brothers are amazing. It completely backfires bc the Hobart boys are terrorist assholes and the Pike boys are angels. 

Her mom finally sees the detention notices and calls Mallory out, who cries. Then Mallory talks to her teacher who says she will talk to the boys and ask them to stop being assholes. Volleyball ends and the archery unit begins, which of course Mallory is all negative about. But then she ends up being good at it and makes the school archery team.

Takeaways
Um. Stoneybrook Middle School has an archery team?!

Mallory is seriously the most negative person. Why does she hate moving and exercise so much? She is going to be an overweight adult. 

I love that the Pike's were perfect gentlemen at the Hobart's house. It just proves that the Pike's house is a fucking free for all and they need to reign it in. Maybe if there were some rules, the kids wouldn't act like maniacs all the time. 

Seriously, I cannot get over what a fucking negative nelly Mallory is. Like I do not understand why the BSC members are friends with her. Jessi even says to her "for such a sensible person you are very illogical at times."

Best character
Ben. He waits for Mallory so he can walk her home after detention. He is nice to her even though she's seriously terrible during this whole book. 

Worst character
Obviously the title character, Mallory, is the fucking worst in this book. 

#58 - Stacey’s Choice

Timeline
It is AUTUMN! Which means they skipped the whole summer and we are now at the beginning of their third 8th grade/6th grade year.

Plot
Stacey is living the typical "child of a divorce" life. Her and her mom live in Stoneybrook and her dad lives in New York. Her mom is working part time and trying to find a full time job. Meanwhile, her dad calls her and asks her to come to New York in a few weeks because he just got named vice-president of his company and they are having a huge dinner and banquet. Stacey buys a new outfit and is so freaking excited for her weekend in New York. 

Then her mom faints at a job interview and gets rushed to the hospital. It ends up she has pneumonia and Stacey loses her GD mind. She skips school the next day to take care of her mom, and then she sets up an entire schedule so her mom is never alone for a minute. THEN she decides she can't go to New York, and she calls her dad and tells him to find another date. He gets very sad and his voice breaks and he tells her she is all he has. And she's like "well maybe if you weren't such a workaholic, you would have relationships." BITCH.

Stacey's mom is like chill, go to New York, so Stacey decides to go, but for less than 24 hours. She basically gets into town, goes to the dinner, calls her mom every ten minutes, then makes her dad leave the party early. Then makes him get up at 430am to take her to the train station. And is confused when he is annoyed.

When she gets back to Stoneybrook, she realizes that she completely fucked up her "mom schedule" and there were like three people scheduled at once. Then she realizes she's not so great after. She decides to plan a "best dad ever" dinner to make it up to her dad. 

Also, the side story in this book is that all the kids in Stoneybrook spend all their money buying cheap shit out of the back of magazines. Then they realize it's cheap shit and try to sell it to suckers in town. No one buys anything, but they basically pay them quarters and dimes to get off their doorstep. 

Takeaways
Stacey is ridiculous in this entire book. Like, I know her mom is sick, I get it. But seriously. Stacey spends like two entire weeks just sitting in her mom's room staring at her. 

Somehow, even though Mrs. McGill skips a second interview with some huge department store because she is sick, she gets the job. 

The most annoying thing about this entire book is that Stacey is THIRTEEN. Her dad could have been like no, fuck that, you are coming here for the entire weekend. Why was Stacey determining when a grown ass man has to leave his own party?

Best character
Mrs. Pike comes over all the time to take actual care of Mrs. McGill (because Stacey sucks at it) and then gets up at the asscrack of dawn to pick Stacey up at the train station when she insists on getting back at 6am.

Worst character
Stacey is insufferable throughout this entire book. Also, the picture below features my new Apple Watch. 

#57 - Dawn Saves the Planet

Timeline

Nothing is really mentioned so I’m just rolling with spring of their second 8th grade year. 

Plot

Dawn is taking a science class and they have an environmental/ecology section. They have a project due to just do something dealing with the environment. 

Okay, to put it bluntly, Dawn loses her goddamned mind. She goes way way overboard and starts lecturing everyone in the entire town about environmental issues. Her and Stacey work together on their project and decide to teach a bunch of neighborhood kids about the environment (I mean, of course their project had to do with kids). At the end of the class, they will do a “Green Fair” to show what the class did. 

Even though that’s the real project, Dawn decides to do another project where she puts together this huge proposal on why Stoneybrook Middle School should be the hub of recycling for the entire town. She has to submit the proposal to the school, where the student body votes if they want to do it and who should lead it. The students vote to do it, but they don’t vote for Dawn to run it because she’s been a giant c-u-next-Tuesday about the whole recycling bullshit. Dawn is hurt and basically does nothing after that. 

Her friends finally explode and tell her what a bitch she’s being. She realizes they are right and calms down. Her and Stacey finish their project and the Green Fair goes off perfectly. And after Dawn shows she is done being a psycho, she gets asked to co-manage the recycling project. 

Takeaways

I do not understand why the school had to vote on a town recycling center. It makes no sense. And since this class decided yes, every class for the rest of our lives has to run this recycling center?

I can’t even explain what a whore Dawn is about this environmental bullshit. Like she’s terrible. I would have stopped being her friend all together. 

When the Pike’s are being crazy while being babysat, they make everyone use real plates and real cloth napkins. But isn’t wasting water just as bad?

Best character

I don’t even know. Probably Stacey because, as Dawn’s partner for the project, she has to deal with her the most. 

Worst character

Fucking Dawn. 

#56 - Keep Out, Claudia!

So first of all, this book is my original from when I was a kid. It is beat to shit. Also, I had written my contact information in the front cover, and then my cousin Jamie decided she needed to write stuff, too. 

Timeline

Spring of their second 8th grade/6th grade year

Plot

There is a new family in town, the Lowell’s. They have three perfect children. MaryAnne babysits for them first and everything us fine. Claudia sits for them next and Mrs. Lowell is a bitch and the kids are jerks. Then Mrs. Lowell calls during the next meeting and says she wants anyone but Claudia to babysit. Claudia is hurt and tries to figure out what she did wrong. Jessi takes the next job and Mrs Lowell won’t even let her in the house. Kristy takes the next job and finally pieces it together that Mrs. Lowell is racist. The club goes back and forth on what to do about it, but then finally decide not to do anything bc they are kids and they just won’t babysit for her anymore. 

On the side, Claudia works with the Rodowsky’s to start up a neighborhood band. A ton of kids are involved (of course) and at first they are doing the songs from Annie, but then decide to do Fiddler on the Roof.  They have a concert and of course it goes off amazingly. 

Takeaways

The neighborhood kids, average age of like 8 (?) somehow know all the music and lyrics to Fiddler on the Roof? Okay. 

I honestly did feel really bad for Claudia when she didn’t realize she was being discriminated against. Jessi was just like meh, it happens. But Claudia was genuinely upset and hurt. 

I can’t over how adult these characters act for the age they supposedly are. 

Some people just fucking suck. 

Best character

I think Stacey. Everyone is talking about how they should teach Mrs. Lowell a lesson, and her kids a lesson, and the whole neighborhood a lesson and Stacey is the first one to be like um..... we’re 13. Slow your roll. We can’t actually do anything. 

Worst character

Duh. That evil, mean, racist bitch Mrs. Lowell. 

#55 - Jessi’s Gold Medal

Timeline 
It is a very, very hot late spring. Also, the Summer Olympics are right around the corner. So it's almost the end of their second 6th grade/8th grade years.

Plot
It is hot as balls in Stoneybrook, and Jessi gets the idea to ask her parents to put a pool in their yard. They are like awesome idea, but way too expensive...we'll join the community pool instead. Jessi is fucking pumped, and then she goes to her gym class the next day and they are told they get to take free swim lessons during class. Jessi is even more excited now, but of course Mallory is like "meh..boo...piss...I hate anything that involves movement". They have tests to see where they are with their swimming skills, and Jessi gets asked to be on the school synchronized swimming team, which somehow meets during school hours. She happily accepts and gets paired up with a fun girl names Elise. 

SMS is doing a Sports Festival type thing, and the synchro team is asked to not only perform, but also do a partner event as a competition. Everyone in the BSC gets involved; even MaryAnne works in the concession stand. But Mallory is a giant vagina about it, bitching and moaning and then she even goes as far as to "accidentally" fall down and sprain her ankle. Kristy and Alan Gray challenge each other to a obstacle course race; the loser having to be the winner's servant for a week. 

Jessi and Elise start practicing constantly, and when the day of the event comes they win the gold medal! Kristy also beats Alan.

The girls also organize a Summer Olympics type event for all the kids in the neighborhood, and Alan is there doing all the bitch work for Kristy.

Takeaways
During the whole book Jessi and Elise think they are the worst in their class, but really they were the best. I didn't know how that would be possible, but then as I thought about it...unless you had someone taping your routine, how would you ever know you were all matched up correctly? So I kind of get it.

I cannot even explain how terrible Mallory is in this book. She fucking falls down and sprains her ankle, WHILE baby-sitting with Claudia. So not only is she terrible for harming herself just to get out of this sports thing, but also she does it while she is supposed to be in charge of her siblings and Claudia gets stuck basically babysitting her too.

Best character
I would say MaryAnne. She hates the idea of this sports festival, but wants to be there for her friends so she volunteers in the concession stand so she can be a part of it.

Worst character
Obviously that piece of shit Mallory.